Some People Conquer Fears.

I just tire mine out. // I've made a pretty stark observation about myself over the last month of travel. I spend a considerable amount of time expecting. I walk through the next day, or next week, every step, every train, every move. Maybe I think that if I watch the whole movie once that I will be able to predict, and thus overcome, anything that could trick me up. But honestly? Fear lives only in the expectation, but not so often on reality. When you're sprinting to catch the only train to your next destination, you have very little time to be afraid. When your survival instincts kick in like that, no amount of expectation is going to be of aid. In fact, typically said expectation leads to a sleepless night and this far less energy to do that sprinting. // no amount of thinking could have prepared me for the fact that nothing in Europe runs on Sunday. And ALL of my travel dates are Sundays. No amount of thought could magically teach me The French I really need to talk to most of the people in this little town. No matter how many times I put a car into gear into my mind, today I have to drive stick and will almost for sure stall a few times. // expectation is just the perfectionist's anxiety. But it's pretty much a waste of time. Plus, I'm exhausted. If staying up all night with my expectations hasn't actually done anything to change some difficult circumstances, then I choose to sleep instead and take the difficulties as they come. I've never said to myself "Wow, I'm so glad I THOUGHT that one out beforehand. I really saved my own ass there." no. But I have said: "thank god YOU were there to speak French to that bus driver!" "Thank God I found YOU in this situation! What would I have done if I were alone?" // the lesson is - Maybe we just aren't made to help ourselves. We need people and community. We need to trust that God will send someone in a huge coincidence to help. Little European angels. I planned and planned and still couldn't have done a thing on my own. Yet I've caught every train. Miraculous, really.